if i become a drug dealer i’m gonna say to my customers ‘now put THAT in your pipe and smoke it” and we’d all laugh and then i’d call the police because drugs are fucking illegal
She called me at 2 a.m., woke me up from a deep sleep because my Sherlock main theme ringtone interrupted my dream of a better life. When I answered the phone in a daze, I said hello half-awake and all I could hear was the sound of her losing her breath between deep sobs and sniffling. She didn’t say anything for 15 minutes. Just let the sound of her world shattering fill my ears. When she finally caught her words she said my name like it was the last thing she would ever be able to say. Before I could reply with worry, there was a knock at her front door and then the sound of it opening. She turned to her bedroom door to find me standing in the frame. Still half-asleep, still listening. She opened her mouth and the only thing that fell out was silence. I invited myself in her bed, took her body in my arms and her sobbing started again. This time it came in great waves. Waves big enough to pull the both of us under its current. I just lay there, letting her shake in my arms. I was still half-asleep but I was fully aware that she didn’t need the overwhelming silence of our 2 a.m. phone call to know that I was there for her. She needed me to be right beside her.
1. Don’t try to piss quietly. Nobody in a public restroom thinks you’re knitting in your stall. They came to piss, just like you. And if you have to take a dump, do it. Get over your fear of public toilets. It’ll make life a lot easier.
2. Masturbate. Masturbate a lot. Talk about it with your friends. You’ve got the right to make yourself feel good and brag about it just like all the boys with extra large kleenex packages on their desks.
3. If you want the large fries, get the large fries. Hunger and appetite are nothing to be ashamed of, just human. Don’t ever feel guilty for eating in front of others. You need to nourish your body to stay alive. We all do.
4. Laugh as loud as you have to, no matter if you snort or gasp or literally scream.
5. Fart when you have to.
6. Always remember you weren’t born to visually please others. Forget the phrase “what if they think it’s ugly”. If you think it’s lovely, it is lovely. You wanna wear it, wear it!
7. Speak your mind! You can learn to do so without insulting others or shoving your opinion down other people’s throats.
do you live on elm street because you’re a nightmare